What Do You Say?

One of my very best friends in the world lost her 4-month-old baby to SIDS a few months ago. It's not something I talk a lot about, but Christi and I do talk about it now and then, as it is healing for her to be able to talk about it. Also, Kaylen was such an important part of our lives that we can't just not talk about her.

What is on my mind tonight is the things people say when someone loses a child, whether through miscarriage or death after the child has been born. Most people mean well, and they are trying to be helpful but say all the wrong things. Others just don't think at all and say things that sound heartless or unfeeling. Still others just avoid mentioning it at all. Is there really a "right" thing to say in this kind of situation? Should you say something, or should you avoid saying anything?

After talking to Christi about this, and after seeing others go through the same thing, I am convinced that avoiding the subject is definitely not the right way to go. If you are going to say something stupid, however, keep your mouth shut.

First, what not to say. These are things that people have actually said to parents who have lost a child. It is unbelievable that anyone would say anything like this, but I guess they don't know what to say so they say something stupid.

"It was God's will." This is said a lot, and I think it is a very stupid thing to say to a grieving parent. It may or may not be God's will that they lost their child, but that is not what they need to hear right now. To a grieving parent, it probably sounds more like you are saying, "It's God's fault," or "God didn't trust you to raise this child."

"God needed a sweet little baby to love, so he took..." Give me a break! I think this one is often said to children. What a way to scare kids!

"You can have more kids." So what? They can't have that child again. Children are not replaceable. A couple may or may not have more children, and if they do they will love them, but they will not take the place of the one they lost. They may help ease the pain of losing one, but when you lose a child, you do not need to hear this.

"It was for the best. He/she probably had a bad medical condition and wouldn't have had a happy life." This is often said after a baby has been miscarried. What a stupid thing to say. It is not the least bit helpful.

There are a lot of other things people say that are not helpful to grieving parents, but my last example is one of the most unthinking things I have ever heard. If I had not heard it from the grieving mom herself, I would never have believed it. What this unthinking person said was that she understood what the mom was going through because her dog died! Excuse me?! Dead baby/dead dog. Yeah, that's a good comparison. I cannot believe that anyone would have the nerve to say something like that to anyone, let alone a mom who had just lost her baby.

So, what should you say? Say, "I'm sorry." If you know the parent well, say, "I'm sorry. I'm here to listen." And then really be there to listen.

If you know someone who has lost a child, or if you would like to help mothers who have lost one, please check out this site, Kaylen's Write to Heal: http://www.kaylenswritetoheal.com/. You can make a donation, but it is not required. You can help out just by sending a message of hope to a grieving parent.